I think that I put too much pressure on myself to be a good writer. I mean I sit and sit and think about ideas for my novel or series or whatever, but then I think no it could be better. Everything could always be better. I just dont want to settle. I want it to be AMAZiNG. I want to write a book and be published, not just for money, but because it is one of my life goals. I actually would love to make a career out of it. However, sometimes, I feel that I am not talented enough. Sure, I have lousy grammar, but I can always fix that. People have always told me that I am a good writer. But what is a good writter? Is it someone who can make a sentence flow? or is it someone who can draw you into what you are writting and make you believe it is real? Honestly, I believe it is a little of everything. A good writter is someone who can make you believe in what they are writting. Make you feel like they are right there in the story or maybe even see themselves as the protagonist of the story. One of my professors in college told me "Write first and worry about grammar later." I believe that is true. However, I spend so much time worrying that my grammar is so horrible that I find myself worrying about that than the whole point to what I am writting. I am always thinking "does that sentence sound right?" "did I captilize/punctuate correctly?" I cant seem to tare my focus away from that. OOO another thing that gets me is spelling. I am always wondering if I spelled a word correctly or used it correctly in a sentence. Which I know is a good thing. But sometimes all those little things get in the way of me producing something I know could be potentially good. I want to write and have always wanted to write. But I get so scared and nervouse that I am never going to make it. Thats the same for a lot of things in my life. I get so scared that I am not good enough for anything. I mean deep down inside I know I have potential, but for some reason I cant seem to bring it to the surface.Who knows.
I have been trying to think of new ideas for my book. All I still have is my title and thats about it. I need to change things and maybe work with the story more than I do with the title. I think coming up with the title first has put a mental block on what the book has to be about. Maybe that is why I cant seem to write anything. I mean I love the title. But maybe that is putting too much stress about the writting. I also want to skip all the little things that go into writting. I want to skip to just writting the book. However, from what I have read that does not make such a good book. I know I need to develop characters and places, but I just want to write it. I mean I know it is a good thing to get to know your characters and develop a relationship with them (I know that sounds crazy, but that is what you do), and what not, but sometimes it is hard. I know there are a lot of spelling errors in this, but I am tired. Oh well, we can always fix it later right.

So I have made one change to my idea for my story... I am changing her name to Celeste Knight... I think... Cant use morgan cause it is used in one of the books i am reading... For now Knight will work. Until I can come up with something better. Any suggestions? If so please feel free to chime in. I have not worked on that story in a long time. I should really do that sometime in the near future.

"Fairy tales don't teach children that dragons exist. They already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed."
We all know that monsters exist. We all know that they lurk out in the shadows hunting and stalking their prey. They could be a charming neighbor or the lonely old man down the street. They could be a part of our own families, the one's that we trust and hold the most dear. When I was thirteen years old, the monster began stalking me. It would come calling me in the middle of the night. Brushing its hands against the nape of my neck, caressing my cheek. Gently touching me the way that no one should. When the monster would leave I sat alone, in the dark, trying to find solace. Trying to find my piece of mind. Cradling myself in my arms, I rocked, crying, trying to push these memories away in the back of my mind. Now, I am eighteen years old and the monster, the man I once called my father is gone, but he still haunts my dreams. At night I can still feel him lurking in the shadows of my bedroom. Closing the door silently, so that mom would not hear. He would cover my mouth and tell me not to make a sound, because if my mom or sisters found out what "I" was doing then they would be jealous, because father loved me the most. He always told me that I was special and that I was his favorite. And the sad thing is, I believed him. During the day he would be the typical dad, ate breakfast with his children and then heading off to work. He would come home and eat dinner and then help us with our homework, watch television with us or do whatever we wanted to do. Then it was bedtime...I stopped mid-sentence and looked at Dr. Bishop who was looking at her watch.
"Sara, I believe our hour is up. We covered a lot of ground today. I am glad to see that your memories are beginning to resurface." Dr. Bishop said, as she set her pen and notepad back on the table.
"I know, Dr." I said looking down at my feet.
"My dreams seem to get more vivid and real. And it is getting harder and harder to sleep at night."
"I understand..."Interrupted by a sudden knock on her office door, Dr. Bishop stood up and said, "I believe my 3 o'clock is here."
"Thank you Dr. Bishop. Same time next week?"
"Didn't my assistant tell you?"
"Tell me what?" I asked standing to my feet.
"I am going to be out of town next week at a conference in D.C., but I will be back the following week"
"Ok, then."
"Sara, if you need to talk, you have my number."
"Thank you, Dr. see you in 2 weeks." I said.
That was the last time I saw Dr. Bishop. She died a week after returning home from her conference. She was found murdered in her home. It was sad, because I really felt like I was finally getting somewhere with Dr. Bishop and now I had to start all over again with a new therapist.
Sigh.
I sat in my bedroom searching on the internet looking for local psychologists in my area, when I received an unexpected phone call.
“Sara?”
“Yes, this is Sara. What can I do for you?”
“This is Anne, Dr. Bishops secretary, and I just wanted to let you know that Dr. Michael Colt will be taking all of Dr. Bishops clients, if you are interested.”
“Ok. When can I come in?”
“Your normal appointment is fine. Dr. Colt feels that it is good that he sticks with Dr. Bishops original appointment schedule, for her clients sake.”
“Ok, thank you Anne. Have a good day and I will see you tomorrow.”
“You’re Welcome Miss Weston. “
I hung up the phone feeling slightly anxious. I sat at my desk wondering if Dr. Colt is going to understand me the way that Dr. Bishop did. I got up from my desk and made my way into my kitchen. My God, I needed to clean it and do the dishes. What used to be my white refrigerator was now turning an off white color, with subtle hints of brown along the handles. “Ick!” I muttered to myself as I grabbed the sponge from the kitchen sink, which was filled with every dish I owned. How the hell can I live like this? I began scrubbing my refrigerator. While scrubbing my thoughts drifted off too the last conversation that Dr. Bishop and I had about my father. I wonder if Dr. Colt has read her case files on me already or if he is going to start from scratch. I already know that I am going to have re-live every horrible moment over again for him. Dr. Bishop always made me feel comfortable. Maybe it was the motherly look she had. She had tender eyes that could look into your soul, and understand you without even a word. She was a heavy woman, but she drew you too her. She was always enthusiastic about life and loved every minute of it. She always told me “Sara, life is a roller coaster, it has its ups and downs, and we are on it for the long haul.” I never really understood what she meant by that, and I guess I never will.
About ten minutes into the scrubbing I grew tired and put the sponge away. At least the fridge no longer had brown spots, but it still stayed that off white color.

It is a no go on wells fargo... they said that they found someone else who meets the qualifications for the position... oh well i guess i will just have to keep looking... I wish I could Just get out of retail all together.

So wells fargo sent me an email the other day to call a number. So I called it and it was an over the phone interview. It was interesting. I don't know how well it went because I was not prepared to do that. Oh well, you can only do so much... I just hope it went well enough to get me a face to face interview. And maybe a new job. Who knows. I was a little nervous doing the over the phone interview, maybe it is because I was tired and did not fall asleep until 430 this morning. Lets just hope and pray that I get this job. He asked me one question about how often I think it is ok to have my cash drawer out of balance a month... I said Never. I don't think it is ok to have it out of balance. I mean we are all human and we make mistakes, but it looks bad when the cash drawers are out of balance. I hope that was a good enough answer....I only said never I did not say what i typed after "never".

On another note my professor still has not emailed me back.... I am getting really irritated. I need the rest of my work. I should work on my thesis. It is due very soon. I need to get it to him. Gah, I am lagging so much. I need to start getting my act together.

Bobby and I are doing well. We had a good weekend. I cant wait to see him again. I miss him so much. We had a good talk the other morning when he got here. It cleared the air. And it seems that things are better. I feel closer to him. I just hopes he understands that I do need him in my life and that I love him very much.

Bobby and I just had a talk and he told me that i make him feel like I dont need him. I was raised to believe that I do not need a man to survive. I have a man because I choose to have one. I want him. He makes me happy and its as if he does not see that. Maybe I am a little Independent, but I want him in my life. I love having him in my life and I see him as my equal. I think it is that I am over opinated and he does not like them. All I can do is try, but I do not want to have to change who I am for anyone. I do not want to do that again. I do not feel like I should have to submit and act like I am someone I am not. I am willing to make compramises, but I am not willing to change. I dont know. My last relationship left me feeling like I need to discover who I am. And I have finally begun to find who I am, and its like its not good enough. Maybe I am a little harsh on myself, and maybe I am a little strong headed, but I am who I am. Maybe I have a stick up my ass about things, but I am trying to be better. I am just tired of feeling like I do not have control over things, maybe I am overcompensating for feeling like I do not have control. All I can do is try and thats what I am going to do. I am going to try and meet bobby somewhere in the middle and try and make him feel like he is needed. Which he is. I enjoy having him and i love him with all my heart and I hope he can realize that. Because he is...






I got this comment from MyCommentCodes.com

So I just applied for a new job at Wells Fargo. It is for a teller position for at least 30 hours a week. I am hoping that I get the job. I need something that is going to be more stable. And it would be nice if I have to work on a saturday that I would only have to work until 2pm. So much better than working all these awful all over the place hours. For instance, this week I only have 9 hours... I mean how do they expect people to live off of that. And this next week I have 18, but it is still not great. At least if I get this job at wells fargo at least it would be stable. Well I hope it works out.

On another note, I am becoming a little irritated with one of my professors. I have sent him a few emails and he has yet to respond. He said that after I sent him my exam one that he would send me more of my work. And I sent him my exam and a few emails asking if he had received it or not and he has not responded. The semester is almost over and I am like if he does not send me the work than I am going to fail. And is it my fault. No, I wanted him to send me the work and asked for it. I have no idea. Just a little irritated.

Other than that things are well. I went to Bobby's last weekend. It was nice to finally get to spend sometime with him, without having to leave and go to work. You know it is hard sometimes not being able to see him or be around him as much as I would like. He is such a good man and I am so lucky that I have him in my life. He makes me truly happy. For a better part of the weekend bobby and I played rock band. Can I say so much fun. I played the guitar for most of the time and he alternated between singing and playing the drums. Then I sang once while he played the drums. It was fun! On saturday when I got there Bobby, his mom, and I went to East ridge mall and I did a little shopping. I got one new outfit. It is cute. Although I did have to return the pants, they were too big. And when I went to the store they did not have the size I needed, so they ordered them on-line for me and it will be sent to my house in a few days. Then the other day my grandma, my mom, and I went to the Tracy outlet mall and I bought another pair of pants and 3 shirts and a new pair of vans. I also bought my sisters a pair of vans. It was fun.

Makes me wish that they would record another album....

So last night my uncle and I were in a car accident. It was crazy and scary all at the same time. We are both ok, but I am sore... Kinda feel like I got hit by a train. So here is the story....

My uncle was bringing me home from work and we were stopped at a red light and some guy driving at like 40 miles(maybe 50) an hour hit us from behind. We were basically almost pushed into the middle of the intersection. Anywho, right after he hit us he tried to take off (most likely cause he was wasted). My uncle let one car pass and then he proceeded to follow the guy so that we could call the cops and give them the license plate. the guy then pulled in a residential area, which was private property and my uncle parked behind him so that he could not leave. The guy then got out of his car and was trying to take off on foot, but the people who owned the house came out and closed the other gate so that he could not leave. Then he came back over and was like ducking behind the owner of the house vehicle. So we are standing there waiting for the cops and my grandma arrives and I am sitting in the passenger seat of my uncles car, because my neck and shoulder were hurting, and the guy got back in his car and tried to back up (mind you we were parked behind him) and we were like what the hell does he think he is doing. So the cops finally arrived, and he was arrested and charged with a DUI. The officers told us that we are more than likely going to have to go to court.

So yeah that was my night last night. Other than feeling like I got ran over by a train, I am alright and my uncle is doing fine... However, I am extremely thankful that we are both alright and that no one was hurt or seriously injured or even killed. Thank you Jesus!!!!

I hate this.... I am so sick and tired of this phone relationship... I dont know what to do about it. Its not like I have a lot of skills. It is not like I can just up and leave my job. It may not be great, but it is what it is. Bobby and I got into an argument today and its like I am so tired of it. We are not like this when we are together. We get along when we are together. I wish that him and I could be together. The only way it would work is if one of us move. And he wont leave his job because he has been there for 6 years. And I cant leave because I cant afford anything. I have no skills to get another job, because I am an idiot, and have no skills. Thats what it boils down to is having skills and experiences. And well I have neither of those. I cant even get experience in the feild I want to work in, because I cant even finish the classes that I have now. What the hell is wrong with me. Another thing is when Bobby and I fight he yells his feelings at me instead of telling me his feelings. I love him so much, but I dont know if i can handle that. I want to marry him and i want to be with him, but sometimes it is so hard over the phone. That is the biggest obsticle in our relationship. He wont leave where he is and I cant leave where I am. There must be something that can be done??? I dont want him to leave his job... or his school. I do want to move down there and finish school down there. When we were arguing on the phone his mother was there and it makes it worse because it makes me feel like she hates me, because I am arguing with her son... But here is the thing we argue and it sucks because I always feel like I come out to be the bad person. I mean maybe sometimes I overreact to things, but sometimes I cant help it. I am not perfect. I try and keep my cool, but sometimes it is hard when you hate yourself so much that you do everything you can to push away the person that you love the most. That is what I do. I dont think that I deserve him so i push him away. When things seem to be going well i go and ruin it, by acting incredibly ridiulous. He things that i get mad when mike is over and the truth is, i am not mad, in fact, i am happy that mike comes over and sees him, I just get annoyed when I have to constantly repeat myself. Well what can you do.... We will work it out, we always do.

Somnium, the city of dreams, is more like the city of nightmares. Life seemed to be pretty normal for Celeste Morgan, that is until she moved to Somnium, Ca. Somnium held some of Celeste's darkest secrets. Secrets from her past, and the secrets that would soon come to pass. She discovers a world she never believed existed, and the people she loved are not who they say they are. Everything she knew, everything she loved is torn away from her. Left on her own, she decides to go on a trip of self discovery. Silently awakening who she really is.

Yesterday at work my knee started acting up again. Dare I say not fun. It is all swollen and crap and I don't know what the hell I did. Oh well shit happens right. Then my boss debbie says that we are going to do my review so I can finally get my raise. She says that everything has improved, so I guess that means I am going to get my raise. Heres hoping. The Christmas season is approaching and I am praying that I get this other job before that season starts. Christmas in retail is ridiculous. We basically are opened until 12am everyday and who the hell is in the store at that time... nobody thats who. And to top it off our new store manager is trying to implement a new store policy. Which most of my co-workers are hoping that coperate does not pass. We usually stay a half hour after the store closes, which is fine, because usually everything is picked up and it looks nice by the end of the night. However, our new store manager wants us to stay an hour after we close. UGH!! That is all I have to say. So many people have said that if corporate ok's this idea then they are going to change their schedule so that they dont have to close. And I agree, why should we have to stay that long after the store closes, when the majority of the time the store looks pretty damn good. I mean yeah its not perfect all them time, but what store is. I think she is off her rocker. Oh, well I might not be working there too much longer, so we shall see.

Life on the other hand is going fairly well. Still missing Bobby like crazy as always. Its hard being away from someone you love all the time. When he is here or when I am at his house, oh, it dont matter where we are, it is wonderful. I love waking up to him in the morning. Sometimes when I wake up he is still sleeping and I just lie there and watch him sleep. He is so adorable. I love cuddling up in his arms and drifting off asleep. Our 4 year anniversary is this weekend (oct. 13th). It feels like just yesterday that him and I started dating. I would have never thought that I would be in love with such a wonderful man. I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past lately, such as, past relationships and what not. And the last relationship I had before bobby was not all that great, but at the time seemed great. He made me happy at the time, until I relized that I felt like I was being controlled. I was never being true to who I was. I always felt like I had to walk on egg shells, always afraid to say the wrong thing. Now I speak my mind and I always feel like I can be who I am with Bobby. Sometimes I do speak my mind a little too much now, which at times can be bad, and I dont sugar coat things as much as I used to. I believe it all stems from the past. But I never regreted my last relationship. I have never hated him, or even really disliked him. In the long run, he is a good guy, no matter how much I heard that he was giving me a bad reputation and telling people that I did things that I did not do, he is still a good guy. At the time he was hurt and thats ok. We all do stupid things in the midst of pain. I will admit that I was hurt and that I wanted to be back with him, but I am glad that it did not work out that way. I learned through my experience. I found out who I was and what I wanted from a relationship. The man I am with now, respects me as I am, and accepts it along with all of my flaws. He treats me the way I should be treated, with the occasional times where I feel like I come second to a video game. But that seems to be only over the phone. When we are together he treats me like I am his everything. He holds me, he kisses me, he wants to be with me, and he communicates with me.
I worry so much about him cheating on me, when in fact he has never given any indication that he would do such a thing. The thing that amazes me is that he is such a good looking guy and he loves a girl like me. I mean I guess I am alright, but I am not no beauty. But I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When he looks at me I see his love for me, I see his needing and wanting to be with me. I feel his passion in his kiss, and the way he holds me. In 4 years the passion has not died in our relationship. I think it has to do with the fact that we dont place importance on sex. As a matter of fact, we dont have sex... period... We want to wait until we are married. Which I think is wonderful. Most people think its crazy that a man can wait to have sex or even the simple fact that we are not having sex amazes people. But I think it adds something to the relationship. It is proof that I must be something special if he is willing to wait. I am not saying that we dont have desires or that we dont want to, but it is not a necessity. It is not what drives this relationship. It is not a determining factor about the outcome of our relationship. I mean if you are going to have sex in the relaitonship go ahead, by all means have at it, but for us, it can wait. It is a matter of beliefs for us. It is something sacred that should be shared between a man and his wife, and something that is not given away at the drop of a hat.
Man o' man How I ramble on. How do I have so many things to say.... we may never fully answer that question... LOL...
Oh on the topic of writing. I think that I have some more ideas for my story. I believe I have also come up with an idea for a title.... Silent Awakening...What do ya think??? Also, I think that Jacob might be a werewolf....but not quite sure... and darius might turn out to be Celestes brother. For those of you who dont know Darius is a vampire and Celeste is not....She is however, apart of ancient vampire bloodline. I will post ideas and maybe some of the story eventually.

It's one o'clock in the morning and I am still up. This sucks. I don't know what it is, but it seems that I have a lot of trouble trying to sleep. I sleep so much better when Bobby is here. I wish that him and I could be closer together. Someday him and I will be able to be around each other more often. At least I have gotten him to consider living with me eventually. It will take me sometime, because I have to get my finances in order. So that is why I am on the hunt for a new job. I applied for a medical billing job and hopefully I get it. I do not have experience in that area, but they offer training. It would be nice to get out of the whole in the wall job that I have now. Working in retail is horrible. Simply because, you work too hard and you do not get paid enough money. It is completely unbearable.